In a desperate attempt to make the front pages of the national newspapers, the NHS has taken part in a drug-fuelled sex romp.
With newspapers ignoring warnings by the Red Cross of a “humanitarian crisis” in England’s hospitals, the ailing service was forced into drastic action.
“Reports of chronic underfunding and overworked staff don’t fit in with the newspapers’ agenda,” the NHS explained.
“The only way to get their attention is by having your photo taken snorting cocaine off a prostitute before embarking on an all-night orgy of sex and drugs.”
The publicly funded healthcare system went on to explain how it hopes the media coverage could help it secure a better future.
“My people are already in talks with ITV about the next series of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,” it revealed.
“If I do well in that then I’m guaranteed major press coverage for at least three weeks.”