The well-known amateur criminologist and all-round genius Mr Mark Gatiss has offered to help baffled detectives in the Metropolitan Police clear up their list of unsolved crimes.
Despite the unstinting efforts of the police, Scotland Yard has a long list of unsolved cases, including the Whitechapel murders, the disappearance of Lord Lucan, and the theft of your bicycle.
A police spokesman spoke highly of Mr Gatiss’s involvement.
“It ‘as been a honour and a privilege to work with Mr Gatiss and h’observe ‘is methods at first ‘and,” he told us, describing Mr Gatiss as “a proper gent and no mistake.”
Mr Gatiss, who is reported to have solved the Ripper and Lucan cases already, dismissed his success with an airy wave.
“Meretricious,” he said, adding that, “even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once solved a real crime, and I flatter myself that I can do a bit better than him!”
He refused to elaborate on his progress with the bicycle theft.
Speaking from his armchair in the Diogenes Club, he added, “The impossible we can eliminate today, miracles take a little longer! Ha! Ha!
“No? Oh, please yourself.”
Gatiss explained that he had not been able to bring all of his famous deductive powers to bear on the bicycle crime, because he had been working on Sherlock, Season 4, Episode 2.
“It’s going to be a real corker,” he told us.
“It’s mostly about me, obviously, but there’s a lovely little scene where Benedict gets lured to a death trap in the London Aquarium and has to escape by jumping across the shark tank on a motorbike.
“Bit of an Easter Egg there for the real obscure culture initiates. I’m wondering if anyone will pick it up.”