Scarborough has been rocked by an earthquake which caused millions in improvements overnight.
The quake, which registered 3.9 on the Richter scale, struck at 7pm last night, causing chips to slide from their trays and at least one incident of a doner kebab being entirely lost.
Throughout the town reports are coming in of mock-Tudor lions on gateposts being shattered, avocado bathroom suites being cracked and in one case a garage falling on a ‘heavily modded’ metallic-blue Honda Civic – resulting in Scarborough becoming a considerably more desirable place to live.
Several guest houses have been upgraded by two or even three stars after damage to their kitchens meant they could no longer offer breakfasts.
“All the stone cladding I put on our house in 1986 fell off,” local resident Simon ‘Daz’ Williams told us.
“And a faux-porcelain statuette of a Cocker Spaniel fell off the mantelpiece and is feared irreparable.
“Meanwhile the giant light-up Santa fell off the roof and I can’t be arsed to put it back up.
“It’s added thousands to the value of the property in one swoop.”
Local estate agents are already advertising Scarborough as ‘distressed chic’, with residents keen to sell their properties to gullible hipsters before they realise the piles of rubble are the result of flytipping and not quake damage.