Your liver reckons that if you think you need a ‘January detox diet’ then you probably didn’t listen during Biology lessons at school.
The large, grey, floppy organ that lives in your tummy and works 24/7 to remove toxins from your system wants you to know that deciding to live on kale and banana smoothies for a week will not make the slightest difference to its functioning.
The liver, which actually knows what it’s doing, added that as long as you don’t overdo it over a period of many years, you may as well just get on with your life as it’s already on that motherfucker and looking out for you.
In combination with several other organs including your heart, spleen and most of your intestines, it issued a statement confirming that human biology is actually fairly complex and you aren’t going to trick it by eating nothing but tomatoes until next Tuesday.
Having a carrot juice enema is also a waste of everyone’s time, they added.
“All these diets say that toxins build up in your system”, patiently explained your liver, which is the product of billions of years of evolution to prevent exactly that happening.
“Can they bollocks. I’ll tell you this: if ‘toxins’ have ‘built up in your system’, that means I’m not working and you’re in way bigger trouble than eating broccoli soup can tackle.
“For the sake of clarity, I’m talking ‘God call me an ambulance right now’ levels of oh shit, not ‘I’ll eat fewer profiteroles and jam’.
“Anyone telling you that their diet can remove toxins is taking the piss. And that’s the kidney’s job.”