Wednesday 4 January 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Bastards call for end to office ‘cake culture’


Office cake culture

Bastards have criticised ‘workplace cake culture’ saying it contributes to being happy and making work tolerable.

The Faculty of Total Bastards is the organisation that governs bastardry and bastards in Britain.

“After an extensive study of the British workplace,” said an FOTB spokesperson, “We would suggest that instead of eating cake in the office, people should work quietly and stop complaining.”

The predominance of the so-called ‘cake culture’ began with office workers buying cakes as birthday celebrations, then for celebrations such as successfully going to the toilet, making it to 9.25 in the morning, and not sobbing quietly at your desk.

It is now thought that the average office worker spends up to four minutes in every hour gorging on cake.

Simon Williams is a claims handler at Kemp, Kemp, and Hadley Insurance limited and is not happy with the recommendations

“I’m not happy,” he said, unhappily.

“It’s enough that I have to get up in the morning before God to use our alleged train ‘service,’ then I have to sit here amongst this gallery of grotesques I’ve been saddled with as colleagues and do something fatuous to a spreadsheet, and now I can’t even have a sticky sodding bun!”

The FOTB have also suggested deleting Candy Crush from office workers’ phones, replacing office chairs with spikes and making everyone read aloud the company mission statement on a daily basis.

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