Tuesday 3 January 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Donald Trump to be sworn in on book of carpet samples


Donald Trump swear in on book of carpet samples

Donald Trump won’t be laying his hand on the Bible for his Presidential inauguration.

The melting fat candle made the decision after having a bit of a practise with God’s book and being unable to find an edition that didn’t cause the skin of his tiny hands to sizzle.

“I’m going with the book of carpet samples. I love carpet samples. They’re great. These are great carpet samples.

“The material feels wonderful and soothes my tiny hands while reminding me of the greatest hair on earth – namely mine.

“The Bible is so last century, folks. It’s a brave new world, and we need brave new books without lots of bigly words.

“Just books full of carpet. They’re great. They’re for great people who hate reading. I hate reading. It’s great to hate reading.”

Trump spokesperson, Simon Williams, said, “Donald is really proud of his idea.

“I say his idea although I’m pretty sure he nicked the concept from a Simpsons joke, but good luck in telling him that. He’s too busy rubbing his face against bits of carpet.”

Trump replied, “mmm…fuzzy…great.”

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