Sunday 1 January 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Queen misses second church service following conversion to Satanism


Queen converts to satanism

The Queen has missed a second successive church service in the wake of her recent conversion to Satanism.

The Palace issued a short statement earlier today explaining the Queen’s absence from the New Year service in Sandringham.

It read, “Her Majesty will not be attending church this morning due to her ongoing commitment to the horned one.”

The Queen had hoped to reconcile her newfound belief in the evil and unholy with still going to church on Sundays because they do a lovely cup of tea and slice of cake after the service and she enjoys having a natter with the other villagers about her bunions, prices in the local Budgens, and how blacks seem to be getting everywhere now.

Unfortunately, the power of Satan coursing through her veins causes her to feel intense agony when walks on consecrated ground.

In place of her weekly trips to church, Her Majesty will strip naked, cover herself in blood and sacrifice a goat in honour of the dark lord.

Other members of the Royal family will occasionally join her with the exception of Prince Edward who is a staunch follower of Jediism.

It is understood that she was introduced to Satanism by Theresa May who, like many Tory leaders before her, credits Satan with her ascendency to Prime Minister.

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