Sunday 1 January 2017 by Spacey

2017 already shit


Unhappy man

With the new year only a few hours old, early indications are that 2017 is already failing to live up to expectations.

The realisation that everything is still shit has come as a huge disappointment to millions of people who’ve woken this morning to discover that they haven’t crossed over into a magical paradise full of joy and prosperity.

“I was full of optimism on New Year’s Eve,” revealed Simon Williams.

“I’d felt sure I’d get a brilliant new job and find the girl of my dreams, but I woke up to discover I’d followed through during the night and I still support Coventry City.

“Somehow my future seems a lot bleaker than it did yesterday.”

54-year-old Miriam Dalton has spent the morning trying to comprehend why she still has an online gambling addiction and spiralling debt.

“As I watched the spectacular fireworks display from the banks of the River Thames I remember feeling incredibly positive about what lay in store for me in 2017,” she said.

“However, It seems I still face the prospect of having my house repossessed and I’m still very, very, very lonely.

“Roll on 2018!” she added letting off a solitary party popper.

Others have revealed their continued suffering as people use the new year as an opportunity to review their lifestyle choices.

“The wife has decided to give up smoking,” 45 year-old Graham Jennings told us.

“A few hours in and she’s irritable, aggressive.and completely irrational.

“It’s like being married to a cross between Louise Mensch and Jose Mourinho.

“2017 has already been the worst year of my life.”

Experts have revealed that blind optimism being replaced by hate-fuelled pessimism is not uncommon at this time of year.

“At the end of the year people will reassess their lives and pinpoint what changes need to be made,” explained one leading expert in this sort of thing.

“These changes often require both physical and mental strength to achieve.

“My advice would be to forget it.

“Assuming Donald Trump doesn’t throw a nuclear tantrum, there’s always next year.”

2016 Survivor – get the t-shirt

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