Saturday 24 December 2016 by Tommy Charles

You’re not having Princess f*cking Leia as well, 2016 told


Carrie Fisher

2016 has been told to back the fuck away from Carrie Fisher as she remains in intensive care following a heart attack.

The year has claimed a number of cherished celebrities including David Bowie, Mohammed Ali and Ronnie Corbett, but seemingly overstepped the mark in its bid for the Star Wars actress.

“He’s taking the piss now,” Star Wars enthusiast Simon Williams told us.

“You’d hope he would lay off our most loved personalities for Christmas at least, he’s just being greedy now.

“And 2016 is definitely a ‘he’ because I think women are quite nice and lovely, although admittedly the only woman I know is my mother.”

At approximately the same time as the star was taken ill, there were unconfirmed reports of a disturbance in the force.

“To Fuck off, 2016 was told,” the Ghost of Master Yoda admitted.

“A powerful rejection of the dark side was felt across the galaxy, so Old Obi Wan’s ghost went to have a look and found 2016 in a headlock with the grim reaper crumpled on the floor next to him.

“Kicked him right in the bollocks, Leia did.”

Speaking after the incident, 2016 told us, “I just wanted to go out on a high.

“When you only exist for 365 days and you kick off your set by killing David Bowie, it’s hard to maintain that level without petering out – let alone finding a fitting finale.

“Facing such fierce rejection for Carrie is a bitter blow but I’m not finished yet.

“There may only be a week left, but I don’t intend to go out gracefully.”

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