Friday 23 December 2016 by Neil Tollfree

BBC4’s new ‘slow TV’ special to feature constipated man on the toilet


slow tv

BBC4 has announced a new Slow TV special, ‘Get Out, You Bastard’ – an hour of a man with constipation sat on the toilet trying to go.

“I’m delighted that Slow TV has struck a chord with BBC4 viewers,” said Channel Editor Harrison Marmalade.

“This programme promises to be another very special treat; an opportunity to sit back and appreciate the sight of a middle-aged man trying to have a bowel movement in a rich and absorbing antidote to the frenetic pace of modern life.”

The unnamed man in his late forties spends an hour on the toilet and quietly reads the paper, picks fluff from his belly button, and fiddles with the toilet roll cosy knitted in the shape of the Lion King’s Mufasa.

The only dialogue comes in the form of the man quietly straining ‘get out’ as he battles his constipated bowels and his occasional shout of ‘someone’s in here’ as another member of the house tries the door.

It seems likely that ‘Get Out, You Bastard’ will prove as successful as other Slow TV hits such as the Sleigh Ride and All Aboard! and BBC4 have more such programmes in the pipeline.

“Oh yes, we’ve got all sorts of ideas,” continued Mr Marmalade.

“An hour of queuing for the Dartford Tunnel, a delayed train waiting outside Leeds station, someone doing the hoovering, allsorts.”

However, Mr Marmalade was unable to contain his excitement at the next commissioned piece of Slow TV.

“Oh yes, that’s later this year, we’re very excited,” he said.

“It’s an hour of a man sat on the sofa watching an hour of Slow TV.

“Brilliant.”

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