Wednesday 21 December 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Today’s horrific Southern Rail journeys nothing to do with a strike, confirm sources


Southern Rail strike

Southern Rail passengers have been left bemused by news that no one at Southern Rail is on strike today.

The company, which has faced industrial action from staff every day since 1492, has stated that it intends to run a ‘normal’ service.

“To be honest, it’s really freaked me out,” said hollow-eyed, soul-crushed Southern commuter Simon Williams.

“I just got to the station this morning at 3am as usual to queue for hours for a bus that may or may not arrive, then all of a sudden this massive green and white tube roared alongside the platform.

“I’ll be honest, I shat myself before I realised that it was actually a train, and you can use them to get to work.”

But Mr Williams was one of the lucky ones, who could remember what a train was.

“Oh God, yeah, it was awful. There was this young girl, a student I think, and she must have never seen a train before, you know, if you grow up in the Southern Rail area then I guess that’s not that unusual, and she just lost it.

“She just ran out of the station screaming. Poor thing.”

It was thought that the network would remain strike-free tomorrow as well, but the union of little men who sell lighters outside stations has just announced a two-day strike because Southern Rail is such a catastrophic collection of bastards.

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