Tuesday 20 December 2016 by Davywavy

I’m not Sith, I’m Alt-Jedi, clarifies Darth Vader


Darth Vader is Alt-Jedi, not a Sith

Darth Vader has denied being ‘Dark Lord of the Sith’ and said he self-identifies as a leading light of the Alt-Jedi movement today.

The Alt-Jedi are best known for rejecting mainstream Jediism in favour of provocative behaviour designed to outrage the consensus, such as force-choking people and destroying worlds in colossal gouts of laser fire.

Many younglings are drawn to the Alt-Jedi because it promises fun, transgression, a challenge to social norms, and the full power of the Dark Side of the Force.

Vader is believed to have become associated with the movement after losing his only girlfriend and realising he was too ugly both inside and out ever to get another.

“I find your lack of a pair disturbing,” Vader told us. “The snowflake is strong in you.

“Give into your hate. Let the anger flow through you. Only then can you know the true nature of Pepe the Frog memes.

“You rebel cucks,” he added.

Vader’s children have distanced themselves from their father, describing him as a bit of a sorry loser and saying they won’t have anything to do with him until he grows out of it.

“It’s just a midlife crisis,” said Leia Organa.

“All that wearing black, saying outrageous stuff and driving around in a brand new TiE interceptor.

“It’s a bit sad, really. We can’t wait until he just buys a sweater and gets into gardening like all the other dads.

“I’ll tell you what, no son of mine will turn out like that.”

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