Thursday 15 December 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Police to require degrees in lobbing detainees down some stairs


UK police to need degrees

From 2020 applicants to the police force will require a degree in at least one dodgy practice, according to reports this morning.

The rozzers of the future will need at least a 2:2 in accepting bribes, getting a sly punch in, or stopping and searching far more black people than is really necessary.

“It’s going to be a lot of work,” said applicant, Simon Williams.

“I’ve gone for a joint degree in corruption and use of excessive force. I’m studying noon and night.

“This should put it right up my Dad. He never went on to further education and always reckoned I was ‘a bit of a whoopsie’ for having done so. Little does he know that, by the time I’m done, I’ll by able to beat the absolute tar out of him and get away with it.”

Fellow applicant, Jay Cooper, said, “I’m taking a BA in Institutional Racism.

“Although it’s a little bit awkward, as some of my best friends are black.”

Police Constable, Elizabeth King, said “I took a degree in social prejudice. It’s served me well to this day.

“I’m delighted that degrees will be compulsory going forward. Anything we can do to alienate the council estate scum even further than we already are is a bonus in my book.”

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