Tuesday 13 December 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Elf-on-the-Shelf has seen some messed-up shit


Elf on the shelf has seen some shit

The elf-on-the-shelf has seen some stuff this year to make your stomach turn.

The innocent monitor of children’s behaviour in the run-up to Christmas has been left utterly traumatised by the little bastards and is demanding to be put out of his misery.

“Seriously, put me back in the loft,” demanded elf, Simon Williams.

“If I see one more child shit into a bin and then blame it on the dog then I’m going to go full Toy Story their asses.

“That’s not to mention the number of children who have imaginary friends, which is kind of alright, but then they talk to them about burning down the local cricket club with their uncle trapped inside.

“Also, while I’m at it, stop putting me in the rooms of teenage boys. They’re too old to appreciate me, I’m physically unable to shut my eyes and…and… well, some of you were teenage boys once. Do the maths.

“And will you all PLEASE stop shagging in your children’s bedrooms? It’s fucked up, and none of you are especially good at sex anyway.

“Essentially, your children are dreadful, you’re dreadful and the only thing any of you should be getting for Christmas is therapy.”

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