Russian athletes have confirmed that if you lived in Russia, you’d take shitloads of drugs too.
Responding to allegations of substantial doping in the Olympic team, athletes denied the substances were performance-enhancing and said they were just what you need to get through another day in Sverdlovsk.
Athletes drew comparisons with living in Birmingham, saying that most people there need substantial doses of skag to cope and Russia is like that, only without the charm, lovely people and attractive architecture.
When asked if that was the Russian sense of humour they just looked stoically blank and took another swig of vodka.
“Yes, we take a lot of Billy Whizz – or Billski Whizz as we call it here,” said shotputter Simonov Williamsovitch.
“But the only thing that it makes fly by is the days, not the runners.
“And five grams of high-grade crack is the only way I could believe anything broadcast on Russia Today.”
The Kremlin has responded angrily to the allegations of doping by athletes, pointing out that if they took as many drugs as claimed there’s no way they’d be so far down the medals table these days.