Friday 9 December 2016

Star Wars: Rogue One screenings on verge of being entirely arsehole-free


Cinema free from alt-right

An alt-right boycott of the new Star Wars film, Rogue One, could see cinema goers enjoying their most pleasant evening at the movies in years.

With hundreds of thousands of grown-up crybabies insisting on a boycott of Rogue One because they think it is trying to say mean things about the billionaire they all aspire to be, cinemas could be entirely alt-right free by Christmas.

Cinemagoer Simon Williams told us, “This is the best thing to happen to cinema industry in decades.

“I think all the technology advances with ultra-high-def, 3D and so on are a bit ‘meh’, but an evening free from whiny pricks who think they’re literally being oppressed by a science-fiction film set in space, sounds like the start of a revival.”

With ticket sales already the third highest of all time for a film not yet released, the boycott appears to be having little effect beyond pleasing anyone who intends to go and watch it.

Williams went on, “I don’t know much about the alt-right, but I guarantee they’re the sort of arseholes that check their phones halfway through a film and lights up the auditorium because they don’t know how to change the brightness settings.

“I’ll bet if you asked, they’d tell you that putting your phone in silent is for snowflakes. And that only cucks tell you to ‘shut the fuck up when the film is playing’.

“Do you think there might be any way we could also get them to boycott Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,  my missus wants to see it this weekend.”

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