Top geologists were left reeling today at the shock discovery that the Yorkshire coast is not being eroded by “tectonic stuff” as has long been assumed.
Instead, the gradual loss of land has been traced to a conspiracy hailing from across the Pennines.
“It were about time them buggers were cut down to size,” explained head conspirator and black pudding championship judge, Simon Williamsbottom, who hails from Bury.
An unrepentant Williamsbottom went on to explain. “Over here in Lancashire we’ve always had a grudge against God’s own county because of them being bigger and better than us, producing Geoff Boycott, Diana Rigg etcetera, and most of all always bloody going on about it.
“So we decided to take matters into our own hands.”
But the conspiracy was blown wide open when Williamsbottom got stuck in the revolving door of the “Mon Repos” guest house in Filey while checking out last week.
“His ‘spare suitcase’ flew open,” said landlady Mrs Tracy Schofield, “and a load of pebbles and sand fell out. Normally I wouldn’t of thought anything more about it, but he went bright red and said ‘ooh bugger, that’s torn it’ – that’s when I started to get suspicious.”
Police inquiries revealed that Mr Williamsbottom and his fellow Lancastrians had been making regular trips to the Yorkshire coastline for some years, filling their cases with sand and earth which had led to severe erosion in many places.
Receiving a Civic Trust award, Mrs Schofield told reporters that in the near future she’d be “going over to Morecambe Bay to get some of it back again, and so will our Baz.”