Wednesday 7 December 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Dad gets into Christmas spirit by drinking in the mornings


Dad drunk before midday

Dad is hammered and it’s not even noon.

Simon Williams, a 38-year-old father of two, has been getting on it early ever since the start of December.

“Tis the season!” beamed Williams, bounding another shot of Jagermeister at 10:30 am.

“You’re supposed to drink in the mornings at Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible, just after that bit about shellfish and the gays.

“If the kids are allowed to eat chocolate before breakfast, then Daddy is getting his buzz on before lunch. Fair is fair.”

Simon’s wife, whose name isn’t really important, said, “it’s quite hard to explain to the kids.

“They keep asking why daddy isn’t at work and keeps singing the theme from Big Break very, very loudly.

“I just say that daddy is really excited for Christmas and it’s going to his head a bit, which seems to placate them as they’re not all that bright.

“Although explaining away our inevitable divorce is going to be a little trickier.”

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