Monday 5 December 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Ed Miliband finally masters the eating of a bacon sandwich


Bacon Sandwich

There are rumours that former Labour leader Ed Miliband may be considering a return to frontline politics after it was revealed that he has finally learnt how to eat a bacon sandwich.

After practising daily for over a year, Mr Miliband finally succeeded in consuming a bacon sandwich at around ten o’clock yesterday morning.

“Ed’s a trier,” said a close friend.

“I mean, he never gives up. Ever. Well, unless we’re talking about leading the Labour party, he’ll give that up, obviously.

“But when it comes to eating a sandwich, Ed’s not giving anything up until that sandwich is eaten.”

It is understood that armed with this new skill, Mr Miliband feels that he may, finally, be able to connect and appeal to the common man.

“The problem Ed had,” continued the friend.

“Is that people saw him as this weirdo policy wonk who couldn’t even eat a bacon sandwich.

“Now, we think that people will see him as a weirdo policy wonk who can eat a bacon sandwich. Which has got to be an improvement, right?”

It is understood that Mr Miliband is still finalising the nature of his return to frontline politics, but is confident that the ability to eat a bacon sandwich could make him a serious player again.

“Hell yeah, Ed’s back,” said the friend.

“And you can carve that into a stone tablet and stick it in a playground in Hastings.”

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