Friday 2 December 2016 by Danny Soz

David Attenborough to be kept in cotton wool-lined matchbox until 2016 is over


David Attenborough wrapped in cotton wool

Following the death of yet another national treasure in actor Andrew Sachs, who died yesterday aged 86, the government have decided to place the country’s much-loved naturalist, David Attenborough, in a cotton wool-lined matchbox, where he will remain until the ill-fated year of 2016 has passed.

A Home Office spokesman told a press conference yesterday. “Following the passing of Andrew Sachs, the government realises that swift action needs to be taken if we are to prevent yet another much-loved icon being taken from us in this tragic year for celebs.

“We have therefore decided that David Attenborough will be caught in a large butterfly net at some point tomorrow and then placed in a giant cotton wool-lined Swan Vesta box until January 1, 2017, when he will be released into his garden.

“We will put some lettuce leaves in with him and a number of holes will be drilled in the top of the box so that he can breathe.

“Every other day, a civil servant will open the box slightly and give him a prod with a stick to make sure he’s still alive and hasn’t shrivelled up and turned black”

This latest move comes hot on the heels of a proposal by The Labour Party to put actor, Brian Blessed, in a giant bell jar with some twigs to climb on, which will be specially soundproofed so that nobody will be able to hear him bellowing.

It is understood that the government has no plans to implement similar measures for either, Nigel Farage or Katy Hopkins.

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