Thursday 1 December 2016 by Neil Tollfree

First viewing of Christmas porn really gets man in festive spirit


An Essex man has spoken of his delight at viewing the first Christmas themed porn of the season.

Simon Williams, a 42-year-old onanism enthusiast from Chelmsford, was enjoying some pornography on the bus to work when all of a sudden, he noticed a seasonal theme running through the various acts.

“It was really heartwarming, really got me in the spirit,” said Mr Williams, a festive glow spreading across his cheeks.

“It was Santa, right? Although, I don’t think it was the real Santa because he had a thick Manchester accent. But anyway, it was Santa, and these two elves, except they were sexy elves, and they didn’t have any pants on, and they got up to all sorts.

“Really Christmassy.

“I mean, it would have been more Christmassy if they had a magical Santa’s grotto set rather than a Travelodge with a view of a flyover out the window, but who am I to question the director’s judgement.”

Christmas porn has been a long-standing British tradition since 1976 when Razzle decided to get into the spirit and instead of having a magazine featuring photos of bored looking models in various states of undress, they featured photos of bored looking models in various states of undress with Santa hats on.

Mr Williams said that the experience had really got him in the mood for Christmas and was happy to reveal his plans for the big day.

“Masturbating, mainly,” he said.

“And sobbing quietly in my empty bedsit.”

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