Tuesday 29 November 2016 by Dan Sweryt

Vegetarians no longer allowed to eat £5 notes


New fiver vegetarians

Vegetarians surviving solely on a diet of old £5 notes will no longer be able to survive after it was revealed the new fiver contains small amounts of tallow, derived from animal waste products.

Filled almost entirely with plastic polymers, vegetarians are often given a rough ride by unfair comments akin to this one.

Vegetarian Simon Williams, said, “This is disgraceful. As usual, we are a small minority who have not been given a second thought during this whole reinvention of the fiver business.

“I can assure you there are units, maybe even ten, of us out there – vegetarians who subsist entirely by eating paper money.

“Now we’ll have to move to tenners instead, seeing our food bills literally increase 100%.

“The price of food will rocket as we’ll have to start sourcing twenties and finally fifties. Thought eating fifties isn’t that big a deal as no-one will break them anyway.”

Williams continued, “As millions of new five pound notes enter circulation, our food source is literally being taken away from us and we are getting hungrier and hungrier.

“I’ve even heard stories of like-minded individuals wolfing down euros in desperation, and even they’re getting more and more expensive by the day.

“They probably won’t even be available once this Brexit mess is sorted out.”

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