Tuesday 29 November 2016 by Davywavy

Sean Bean survives trip to the shops


Sean Bean survives trip to the shops

Film star Sean Bean has walked to his local shop and back without being beheaded or shot, reports indicate.

Bean, over whom the terrible spectre of death endlessly hangs, walked out of his front door and down the street without being trampled to death by mythic beasts before entering a branch of Sainsburys, where he was not eviscerated by an orc.

Whilst in the shop, Bean purchased a six-pack of McEwans Export and missed being crushed by a falling satellite dish.

Supermarket manager Simon Williams described the event as ‘remarkable’, and said that he and other shoppers had been waiting for Bean to be torn limb from limb by supernaturally animated chains at any moment.

“It was so tense. He came in, whistling the theme from Top Gear to himself, picked up some cans and walked over to the counter without losing a single limb”, he told us.

“The Sean got out his money and made some small talk with the lady at the till and during the whole time wasn’t hanged once. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“I mean, this is 2016, isn’t it? So how come Sean Bean survived that?”

When asked, Sean Bean said he didn’t understand what all the fuss is about and he’s looking forward to going to the pub this afternoon whilst wearing his new red shirt.

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