Tuesday 29 November 2016

Eric Bristow announces bid to become Daily Mail columnist


Eric Bristow for Daily Mail

Former darts player has made a play for a lucrative position at the Daily Mail by saying horrifically offensive things on social media.

After suggesting victims of paedophilia are wimps for not sorting out their abusers once they were grown-up, Bristow told the Daily Mail he could write something like this every week and how do Wednesdays work for them.

Bristow explained, “I’m a 59-year-old white man who was big in the 80’s, so I obviously know what’s wrong with this country, and I can write about it on demand.

“Sometimes a tweet just isn’t long enough for me to articulate my views on pooftas, wimps and justice, but the Daily Mail seems like the right place for my thoughts.

“There is nothing in the Daily Mail I couldn’t have written, with a bit more wimps and pooftas, obviously.

“People love me. No, seriously, they do.”

Upon hearing that Eric Bristow had made a pitch for his lucrative position, Richard Littlejohn simply tweeted, “Gay homo bender faggot.”

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre told reporters, “Eric has talent, obviously.

“The way he’s skilfully outraged millions of liberal social media users, but simultaneously has the moron hordes exclaiming that he’s ‘telling it like it is’ and is ‘just what the country needs’ – that’s a unique ability, and quintessentially Daily Mail.

“500 words by Friday, please Eric.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)

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