Thursday 24 November 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Grasping shits limbering up for Black Friday


Black Friday warming up

Hideous humans are warming up for a fist-fight over a kettle.

The annual greed-and-riot-a-thon known as “Black Friday” is rolling around with excitement amongst self-centred, materialistic wankers reaching a fever-pitch.

“Been working on the old elbows,” grinned greedy man, Simon Williams.

“Last year I broke an old lady’s nose. It’s a shame it became absolutely necessary to do so, but that’s what happens when you come between me and a lower-end HD telly.

“That telly now takes pride of place in my living room, alongside someone’s prosthetic leg that I somehow wound up with following the Asda scrum.”

Retail worker, Jay Cooper, said, “I want them all to die.”

“Seriously. Anybody who believes that physical assault is a reasonable part of the journey to owning a slightly discounted vacuum cleaner needs to be eradicated from the human race.

“I reckon some trip mines at the entrance would do the trick.

“I raised the idea at the last staff meeting, and I was told it was a good idea for humanity but a bad idea for the company, as we’ve a lot of old stock to shift.

“That’s capitalism for you.”

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