Tuesday 22 November 2016 by Neil Tollfree

NHS patients must make cup of tea, name three Madness songs, and drink heavily to prove they’re British


NHS patients must prove they're British

In new rules to prevent health tourism, all prospective NHS patients will be required to pass a test to prove they’re British, a top Department of Health civil servant has said.

Simon Williams told a Commons committee that it was a controversial move but it was ‘worth it to keep all those ghastly foreigners out’.

“The NHS has a terrible problem with awful foreigners deliberately getting cancer so they can come and loll about in great British hospitals eating curry and complaining about how Christmas decorations offend them,” said Mr Williams.

“Obviously, the preference is to send these sort of people back to wherever they come from so they can die without bothering any decent British chaps.”

The test for Britishness will take the form of a half-hour written exam and fifteen-minute practical test to be carried out on arrival to any NHS hospital before treatment.

The exam will include questions on pasties, the films of James Robertson Justice, and a requirement to transcribe the third verse of God Save the Queen.

The practical will involve making a proper cup of tea and being sexually repressed, before drinking several pints of lager, eating a kebab and mooning a policeman.

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