Friday 18 November 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Man to be cryogenically preserved until ‘everything stops being shit’


Cryogenically frozen

Following a court’s decision to allow the body of a teenager to be cryogenically preserved until her disease can be cured, a man is seeking to be cryogenically preserved until everything is no longer shit.

“It’s not really about being in ill-health for me,” said Simon Williams.

“It’s just what with Brexit, Westworld ending, and the continued lack of any quality English tennis players coming through, everything’s a bit rubbish at the moment.

“So I reckon that having your heartbeat slowed to nothing and being immersed in liquid nitrogen has got to be better than seeing what else 2016 has got to offer.

“I’m not really bothered when I’m woken up, just make sure it’s when everything stops being shit.”

With the current situation of deaths of much-loved musicians and actors being interspersed with catastrophic political upheaval, it is expected that many more people may seek to follow Mr William’s lead and just go to sleep until it all gets better.

“The way things are going,” continued Mr Williams, “I’d imagine we could see a referendum on whether we all go and live in the sea and the death of everyone featured in the Last Waltz before the year’s out.

“I just don’t want any part of that.”

Current estimates are that everything will stop being shit sometime in 2092, when the nation will unite behind a robotic Wayne Rooney, Prime Minister and England captain, who leads England to glory in the first ever North Pole World Cup against the hugely favoured Atlantic island of Wales.

2016 Survivor – get your tee now!

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: