Thursday 17 November 2016 by Pete Redfern

‘Living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland isn’t too bad’ Manchester residents reassure Americans


post apocalyptic wasteland

Residents of an economically and culturally crippled northern city have been quick to reassure the population of the United States that living in a desolate post-Trump world might not be as terrible as it sounds.

With experts predicting dire consequences as a result of president-elect Trump’s future nuclear decisions, Manchester has told Americans you’d be amazed what you can learn to live with.

Mancunian spokesperson Simon Williams announced, “It sounds frightening, but it’s really not too bad at all.

“Although there may be gangs of feral youths roaming the streets, you will find that fighting over the last scraps of bread from a mouldy discarded loaf quickly becomes second nature, and you will soon learn how to construct a rudimentary shelter in the burnt out carcass of a Vauxhall Vectra.”

He continued, “You will probably discover that the sudden lack of both jobs and housing will force everyone to live together in cramped, overcrowded conditions, but it is important to maintain a positive mental attitude.

“We try to view this as an opportunity to get to know our fellow survivors, which really develops a strong sense of community.

“That is, until an individual breaks that trust by stealing the last can of tomato soup, which will probably lead to the group viciously beating him to within an inch of his life before casting him out into the wilderness to pathetically attempt to fend for himself.

“But even that can be a morale boost for the community, and the justifiable violence will release some much-needed endorphins.”

Mr Williams added, “At the end of the day, it’s important to count your blessings.

“You may be engaged in a futile battle with radiation poisoning or bitter turf wars with former friends and family members, but you can still be thankful that at least you’re not in Liverpool.”

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