Monday 14 November 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Ketamine tops Christmas lists for 2016


Ketamine for Christmas

Britain is plumping for ketamine this Christmas.

The ever-popular horse tranquilliser has beaten out iPads, Xboxes and pornography hampers to become the most requested gift this holiday season.

“Everyone loves a big box of ketamine,” confirmed Christmasist, Simon Williams.

“And considering 2016 has been the year for trauma, all of us could use a truly numbing experience this Christmas that will just make the merry-go-round of misery slow down for a brief spell.

“Plus it will take the edge off the usual, hateful, tension-filled ordeal that is Christmas dinner with the family.

“The wife can piss and moan about the lacklustre gift I’ll be giving her all she wants this year. I shall be face-down in the mashed potato.”

Vet, Elizabeth King, said, “I’ve been looking at the spaced-out horses with envy this year.

“They’ve no knowledge of Brexit, Donald Trump, the death of David Bowie, England’s defeat against Iceland, Michael Gove and whatever the hell is happening to Toblerones.

“If I can have just a small taster of that state of blissful ignorance, then it will truly be a wonderful Christmas.”

Vicar, Jay Cooper said, “I, too, shall be spark-out in a corner this year.

“For the Lord Jesus so loved a nice bit of ketamine.”

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