Wednesday 9 November 2016 by Gary Stanton

America thick as pig shit


Donald Trump wins election

The American electorate is as thick as fucking pig shit, it has been confirmed this morning.

When voters were asked to choose between lots and lots of pain and slightly less pain, a majority asked if they could have the options explained again more slowly.

The night ended with red faces in the Democrat camp and Meryl Streep refusing to get down from the roof of a multi-storey car park in Washington.

Wildly inaccurate polls that preceded the vote were explained when computer-illiterate pollsters admitted to adding things up on their fingers.

Political analyst, Chuck Williams, told us, “Even an amoeba is able to respond to an unpleasant stimulus such as Trump’s opinions on immigrants and women by adopting a worried face and scurrying away in the opposite direction.

“However, if you take the metaphorical amoeba that is the American voting public and repeat the same repulsive codswallop, it just sits there with a big stupid grin all over its rudimentary face.

“In some cases, it even moves closer.”

Williams blames what he calls the Fifty Shades effect, insisting the American public are either stupid or masochistic or both.

He added, “The American public has just voted to be fucked in the ass by a sociopathic narcissist, and it seems that like a badly written fanfic character, they actually wanted it.”

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