Sunday 6 November 2016 by Gary Stanton

Trump survives assassination attempt by piece of cardboard on a stick


Donald Trump assassination attempt

Donald Trump has survived an attempt on his life by an angry placard, according to reports.

The Republican nominee is recovering well in hospital this morning, where his condition is said to be stable, despite several nasty paper cuts.

Mr Trump was bundled off stage at a Nuremberg-style rally by federal agents who mistook the A4-size sign for an automatic assault rifle.

The presidential hopeful is now being monitored around the clock thanks to the all-inclusive Obamacare health program.

Muslim doctor Sadiq Wil-Hamsa said, “When Mr Trump was admitted he was babbling incoherently, which we took as a very good sign.”

He added, “The next twenty-four hours will be critical.

“If he survives that, there is a very real chance he could get elected.”

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