Sunday 6 November 2016 by Rachael Smart

Research study finds correlation between divorce rates and DIY fireworks


homemade fireworks

A research study cites ‘husbands twatting about with explosives’ as a top reason for divorce.

Housewife Eli Balke, age 33 was traumatised by her ex-husband’s DIY garden display in 2015.

She said, “We’d had a normal family night: mushy peas, Catherine Wheels, the kids wrote abusive words with sparklers then Graham promised us the grand finale.

“He was fannying about in the shed for ages. When he came out, he’d rigged his own supersized rocket and strapped it to the girls’ swing frame.

The kids ran inside while he poured gasoline into an R Whites bottle. When he ignited his Zippo, he shouted ‘Who’s the fucking Daddy’ triumphantly, and the garden went up like a Molotov cocktail.

“Our trampoline was a blanket of fire.”

Psychologist Kerry Adams said, “The male ego is basically a 12-year-old boy.

“Add gunpowder to the equation, and it’s an explosion waiting to happen. Most men don’t want to attend organised displays where they must act with reserve and exclaim at the pretty colours.

“November 5th brings out men’s primal, basic instincts, and some feel it socially acceptable to behave like prehistoric, fire-setting adrenaline buffoons.

Eli Balke concluded, “We all know those tossers who grow a few inches when their firecrackers go up with a bang, but I never associated Graham with them. It was as if he’d been possessed by Guy Fawkes.”

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