Tuesday 1 November 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Wanking into a sock ‘not really a hobby’, job applicant told


Man being interviewed

A man has failed to secure a job interview after his cheeky choice of leisure activity.

Simon Williams, 31, had submitted an otherwise perfectly acceptable CV full of his accomplishments, qualifications and history of other places where he has stared at a computer screen until being told to go home.

“Then we read through his hobbies – actually I say ‘read through’, it was only one sentence, and that sentence was ‘I really enjoy wanking into a sock’.

“That’s the note on which he chose to end his CV. It was like reading a pleasant Jane Austen novel and then having the chaps from Viz take over for the last sentence.

“We’ve written to tell Simon that while we admire his refreshingly honest approach to life, masturbating into one’s foot-glove isn’t really a hobby, and as such we will not be hiring now, or indeed ever.”

Williams said, “I just really enjoy wanking into a sock.”

“I think most people do, if they’re really honest about it. I’m just brave enough to call it a hobby rather than treat it like some slutty little secret.

“I mean it’s not like it’s a pointless thing like collecting stamps or playing golf. It lowers my blood pressure. Probably.

“Why can’t people just accept me for me? It’s not like I’m going to crack one out on my lunch hour. I need a good ninety minutes at least.”

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