Tuesday 1 November 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May seeks return of 1542 witchcraft act


Theresa May

Prime Minister Theresa is set to continue her plans to return to the traditions of Great Britain’s past by reintroducing the 1542 Witchcraft act.

Beginning with the return of Grammar Schools and followed by naked hostility to Europe, the reestablishment of the 1542 Witchcraft act appears to be further sign that a May premiership will not be afraid to lean on this country’s history.

The witchcraft act will be officially announced in next year’s Queens Speech and will criminalise ‘Invovacons or conjuracons of Sprites witchecraftes or sorceries.’

Mrs May was quick to deny claims that the criminalisation of witchcraft, like Grammar Schools and hostility to Europe were archaic nonsenses that should be consigned to the history books.

“Rubbish,” said the Prime Minister, interrupting her dinner of Frumenty and Lamphreys and dismissing her court Jester; Boris.

“I just believe that we are living in uncertain times, and I want to be clear that we will not tolerate the lower orders using devilments and wickedness in order to gain advantage over hard-working families.”

Mrs May refused to deny claims that she plans to bring in a Witchfinder General and the burning of convicted witches at the stake.

“It is something that is being looked into,” she confirmed.

“I haven’t made any decision yet but, frankly, it does sound rather fun.”

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