Tuesday 1 November 2016 by Tommy Charles

‘At least I didn’t fuck its head’, insists Michael Heseltine


Michael Heseltine strangled dog

Michael Heseltine has defended killing his mother’s pet Alsatian with his bare hands, claiming he showed mercy and restraint by not putting his genitals in the deceased animal’s mouth.

In a recent interview, the former deputy leader of the Conservative party confessed to strangling the dog with its own collar after becoming concerned with its mental health.

The 83-year-old said he was alarmed after the animal, named Kim, tried to bite him and believed the most rational and measured response was murder.

Defending his actions, he later said, “I think most people would agree that the best way to deal with aggression of any kind is an instant, cold-blooded killing.

“Sadly, as with most human beings, dogs cannot be trained to alter their behaviour in any way, so naturally I did the right thing and immediately put it to death.”

A number of animal rights groups have expressed horror at the admission, while mental health charities have also expressed their concerns over his view that mental breakdowns are best treated with asphyxiation.

“It was an act of compassion for the animal and harm prevention for potential victims,” he continued.

“It is actually a policy the Conservatives been pushing for in the British justice system for some time.

“People are getting very upset, but look, at least I didn’t fuck the thing’s head afterwards.”

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