Monday 31 October 2016 by Davywavy

Nissan to keep Sunderland plant open after government pledges to teach workers to talk properly


Nissan factory

Nissan agreed to keep its operations in the UK after the government pledged to teach people from Sunderland to talk properly, it has been confirmed.

Responding to demands that the terms of the proposal made to the car company be made public, bosses revealed that they’ve not understood a word their workers have said for almost thirty years, but were far too polite to say anything.

Owners revealed they haven’t been able to follow what was going on at the factory since the 80s and the whole Brexit thing was just an excuse to go somewhere they had the first clue what people were talking about.

“We built the factory in Britain because we believed English was the global language and there would be no communication problems whatsoever,” Nissan spokesman Simon Wirriams told us.

“And then we showed up on the first morning and someone said ‘Y’aaalreet pet, that’s a reyt canny caar factery like marra’ and we realised we’d made a terrible mistake.

“For quite some time we genuinely hoped the workers were trying to speak Japanese to make us feel welcome until we went to Whitley Bay for a team-building night out and realised that it’s actually worse there.”

Workers at the plant are understood to be delighted by the announcement of continued production, but to be honest it’s difficult to be totally sure until the interpreter gets in.

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