Saturday 29 October 2016 by Fat Jim

Bake Off fundamentalist in sponge vest threatens to cream himself


Bake off fundementalist

A bake off fundamentalist in a cake vest threatened to cream himself after being promised a brand new series of the show on the BBC by a local cake shop owner.

Simon Williams, bake off fundamentalist, caused a stir in Swindon as he whipped the public up into a frenzy. Simon stood in his cake vest wielding a pallet knife from Mary Berrys own range shouting “Kahqa Akbar” (cake is great) at shoppers in the Brunel Shopping Centre.

He threatened to carefully spread pre-prepared butter icing between his sponge layers and suggested he might cut off bits of his evenly baked sponge displaying perfect moistness to passers by.

Friends and family became suspicious as Simon downloaded more and more elaborate cake recipes from the dark web. They thought he was mixed up in something and had tried to alert appropriate authorities when they found cake making equipment hidden under Simons bed.

Simon had been visiting the cake shop on an increasingly regular basis, and the owner had befriended him.

“Simon had been interested in baking for some time, I realised I had an opportunity to take his fanatical skills to the next level,” said cake shop owner Stuart Matthews.

Mr Matthews is popular with they young men he helps who are disillusioned with current culinary trends and aims to set them on a path of baking righteousness.

The shop owner admitted that when he suggested that Simon wore the vest, he didn’t realise he would actually rise to the occasion.

We asked if he would ever wear a vest himself, but he commented he was making too much dough to get involved directly with cake campaigning.

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