Wednesday 26 October 2016 by JS Harding

Heathrow HR team gain approval to hire third passport control officer


British passport control

Heathrow airport stunned its millions of annual passengers last night by announcing outlandish plans to employ a third passport control officer.

The West of London airport has for years relied on two sleepy, grumpy looking blokes to take a half-arsed, cursory glance at new arrivals’ passports before waving them into the country so they can get back to yawning and talking about football.

But with Dave and Alf’s advancing years catching up with them, and people worrying that the biometric scanners might vaporise them, Heathrow’s middle management demanded drastic action.

Simon Williams, Heathrow’s Head of Recruitment, explained, “It was a big call to make. Dave and Alf have formed a formidable partnership over the years and we were worried they’d take it the wrong way.

“But we had a good talk with them, and it turned out that they could not give one solitary shit.

“In fact, they seemed quite pleased with the news. Alf said he hoped that whoever we employed had big jugs, whilst Dave’s main concern was the newby’s tea making ability.

With the fresh blood expected to be in place in time for the frenzied Christmas schedule, Williams believes passengers can look forward to a swifter, smoother welcome to London.

“Now we’ve just got to stop those baggage handling bastards from striking every other Thursday and we’ll finally be getting somewhere as an airport.

“And by the time the third runway gets built I reckon we might have made enough to replace Dave and Alf with the hottest young talent in Passport Control College. Fancy!”

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