Monday 24 October 2016 by Gary Stanton

Twats reminded the correct date for letting off fireworks is November the f*cking fifth


Fireworks

Dickheads across Britain have been reminded that the actual day to let off fireworks is five days into sodding November.

The warning comes as Britain braces itself for two weeks of deafening explosions initiated by bastard cocksuckers with no respect for tradition.

Meanwhile, retailers have been encouraged to give away a free calendar with every family box of fireworks, with the correct date highlighted by a big red circle.

Professor, Simon Williams, said, “A quick glance at the history books will confirm that Guy Fawkes’ Gunpowder Plot was foiled on the fifth of November, not two weeks before on a quiet fucking Sunday evening.

“When those utter bastards selected the fifth of November for their dastardly plan, they didn’t think oh let’s do it the weekend before because the weather looks dry.

“If Fawkes could only know that his legacy is two weeks of extended misery either side of Bonfire Night for pet owners or anyone prone to sudden bursts of anger.”

He added, “The fifth of November. This is the actual date to let off fireworks – not on a day when it suits you.

“Why is this so difficult to get into your thick fucking skulls?”

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