Friday 21 October 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Poppygeddon expected to begin imminently


Poppygeddon

With less than a month to go before Remembrance Day, it is expected that England will shortly descend into its annual bout of Poppy insanity.

“It’s normally towards mid-to-late October,” said Simon Williams, a Professor of ridiculous national hysteria.

“Someone in the public eye will either wear a poppy or not wear a poppy, the Daily Express will interrupt its blanket coverage of the weather to express faux-outrage, and poppies will dominate the news cycle until Christmas.”

It is currently understood that the Express is planning to use a photo of a fully grown man from Bradford that it will allege to be a ‘Calais ‘child’ refugee’, and using Photoshop will make it appear that the man is wearing a poppy on his balls.

Coupled with a simple rhetorical headline such as ‘is this what so many brave British soldiers died for?’ It is expected that the device should bolster the circulation of the beleaguered ‘newspaper’ enough to make its moral corruption worthwhile.

Also expected for Poppygeddon this year are footballers and BBC presenters not wearing poppies at the right time, local councils banning poppies for fear of offending the Muslim community, and another futile attempt to make white poppies a thing.

“It is a little trying,” continued Professor Williams.

“But, we must remember that a great many British men and women fought for our right to spend Autumn completely losing our shit about poppies.

“So, I’d suggest quietly donating to an armed forces charity you feel comfortable with, and do your best to ignore the chaos that will likely unfold.”

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