Thursday 20 October 2016 by JS Harding

Illuminati holding back release of half-decent smartphone battery


Illuminati Phone

The Illuminati are blocking smartphone manufacturers from releasing a half-decent battery, according to a high-ranking former insider who has broken rank from the shadowy society.

“I had to get it out there,” confessed ‘Sonim Waillims’ a former Grande Master of the Red Brotherhood from his hometown of Dunstable, which he claimed was one of the society’s most depraved and malevolent chapters.

He added that carrying this knowledge around with him had become ‘too much to bear’.

“It’s one thing to control gigantic weather machines hidden deep under South American jungles that wreak havoc and destruction around the globe, sending a Tsunami here or a hurricane there.

“But depriving ordinary citizens of a phone that you can email, Tweet, use maps on and catch up with iPlayer on without constantly worrying it’ll die in the middle of Bake Off, is just cruel.

Asked what the Illuminati had to gain by preventing the smartphone’s release, Waillims claimed that every time a phone is put on charge, the owner was unknowingly plugging his or her life-force straight into a hidden spaceship the size of Runcorn that will be used by the highest echelons within the group to flee the Earth once “Project Mayhem is complete”.

And now Willaims has called upon the public to rise up against his former brethren.

“You can learn a lot about them in the large pamphlet, ‘The da Vinci Code’, although it’s a complete, bizarre mess of a book to be honest.”

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