Thursday 20 October 2016 by Lucas Wilde

5 fabulous ways to spoil your U.S. election ballot paper


Presidential election 2016

If you’re a sane American (anyone? LOL!) then you’re probably looking to spoil your bit of voting paper this year. But why stop there? Here are ten ways to make sure your spoilt paper stands out:

1. Add your own preferred candidate from fiction

We all have our dream presidents, and these days all of our dreams are moulded by the screen in front of us, so why not pick your own president from the telly you’ve watched? Why not President Bartlett from “West Wing”? President Palmer from “24” (the older, good one, not the one from series 7 who looks like a model) or Top Cat off of “Top Cat”? The list is only as limited as the amount of television you’ve watched, so go nuts.

2. Fashion your paper into a depressed-looking Abraham Lincoln

Let’s face it, honest Abe wouldn’t have stood for any of this shit (he’d have sat in a massive chair and watched if that statue of him is anything to go by), so why not commemorate this dreadful election year by sculpting your paper into an angry visage of one of the true greats? Just leave it in the booth for the next person to admire. Maybe they’ll be inspired to fashion a pissed-off JFK to sit alongside him.

3. Write down all the lyrics to Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name Of

You little pseudo-rebel, you. What better way to tell the system to go fuck itself than by quoting lyrics from a massively popular, now-mainstream band on a major record label?

4. Write your own immigration policy

You’d be a better Prez than Trump, right? Of course you would. Why not prove it by writing down your own solution for the complex and deeply emotive issue of immigration in America? You couldn’t do any worse than building a wall- or could you? Could you add spike-pits? Electric fences? Mutated guard dogs with the head of a chaffinch? Let your imagination run riot.

5. Vote for a third-party candidate

Now we’re just being silly.

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