Wednesday 19 October 2016 by Lucas Wilde

“Those aren’t children!” scoffs man who got served in pubs from age fourteen


Man angry at children who look older

A frothing lunatic has questioned the age of some particularly tall foreign children while forgetting he used to be a particularly tall child.

Simon Williams, 34, has dismissed the assessments of Home Office staff (whose lifelong careers have consisted of working out how old people actually are) in favour of a quick glance of a newspaper photograph.

“They’re clearly all adults, not children,” concluded the ever-wise Williams.

“Everyone knows that all children are around three feet tall and carry either an Action Man or a Barbie Doll, depending on whether they’re boys, girls, or just bent.”

Simon’s mother, Elizabeth King, said, “he seems to keep forgetting he was taller than me by his fourteenth birthday.

“He was also drunk most days by the age of fifteen, having easily managed to buy vodka in most of the off licenses around here. He got an electric razor for his sixteenth birthday for God’s sake.

“I would sit him down and explain that sometimes children are quite tall and look older than they are, but to be honest I’m still reeling from the shock that the son I raised and put through school hasn’t worked that out by himself.”

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