Tuesday 18 October 2016 by Andy Musgrave

Woman doesn’t like candles


Woman who doesn't like Candles

A woman has today come forward to confirm that she doesn’t like candles.

Simone Williams, 28 and an office worker from Bedfordshire made the startling admission after receiving a candle as a gift from her new boyfriend’s mother for her birthday.

“To be honest I just don’t see the point in them,” she said.

“They just kind of flicker a bit, and some smell nice, but on the whole, they’re a bit pointless, aren’t they? If you want some extra light, just turn on an actual light.”

Doctors have been called in to verify that Simone is indeed genetically a woman, but early testing indicates she was born female and has always lived as one.

Medical professionals have been left baffled by the incident. Dr Henry Matthews told us, “Although we can confirm Ms Williams female-ness, we are simply at a loss to explain her apathy towards candles.

“In a woman of her age usually we would expect to see candles featuring prominently in her life and accounting for about 40% of her net spending.”

Ms Williams continued, “To be honest I’d have preferred a PS4 and FIFA17.

“While we’re at it, can we turn the thermostat down a bit, it’s boiling in here?”

Her partner was unavailable for comment as he was out shopping for engagement rings.

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