Monday 17 October 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Man found dead after humming Christmas carol


Man dead in office

A man has been punched to death after humming a festive tune at his desk.

Simon Williams, 38, started humming “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” in the third week of fucking October, the lunatic.

“Not sure what happened,” panted Jay Cooper, Simon’s blood-spattered colleague.

“We all just heard the tune and instinctively set upon him like dogs who had heard a whistle.

“I’m not passing the buck but I would suggest it is entirely his fault. It’s the middle of October, for Christ’s sake. The time for objectively shit sing-songs is December 1st and no sooner.”

Jay’s colleague and fellow perpetrator, Elizabeth King, said, “I never liked him or Christmas but we may have gone a bit far this time.

“I reckon a box of chocolates for his wife is in order, at the very least. Although we might pop a note in the box explaining that it as basically his fault, along with our warmest regards for his children.”

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