Friday 14 October 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Ched Evans ‘Not Guilty’ verdict set to bring out the very best in everyone


Ched Evans not guilty

Footballer Ched Evans has been found not guilty of rape, priming Facebook for some wonderful shades of humanity.

Evans, 27, was cleared in a trial at Cardiff Crown Court where a jury concluded the sex he had was objectively mucky but not actually rape.

“It’s a great day for justice,” beamed Simon Williams, a 24-year-old man who uses the word ‘banter’ an awful lot.

“I’m looking forward to using a wide range of enlightened words online this evening that definitely take into account the appaling statistics on rape cases in general, and definitely won’t use the words ‘slag’, ‘gagging for it’ or ‘money grabber’ in any way whatsoever.

“That’s the plan anyway, although I am about to finish this beer, which does tend to somehow dull my more feminist tendencies and replace them with the kind of verbiage of which my mother would be thoroughly ashamed.”

Feminist, Elizabeth King, said “oh, goody.”

“I mean I’m glad he’s able to get on with his life and all that, I just have the feeling that mine is going to be less fun for the next few hours.”

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