GP receptionists demand full control of NHS

GP receptionists have insisted that they be given full control over all aspects of NHS finances and public health policy, it has emerged.

Under the plans, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt will be made redundant and forced into a lucrative post in the private sector, while all doctors and nurses will be required to defer to their receptionists in clinical matters.

“All we are seeking to do,” said GP receptionist Edna Throttleshark, “is enshrine in law a system which has been in place for decades, which I’ll explain, although you’re probably too stupid to understand.

“The patient comes to us first, we angrily interrogate them to ensure that they are worthy of an appointment, and if we feel that they deserve to get better, and are truly sorry for bothering us, we usually let them have their little ‘private’ consultations with their GPs.”

GP receptionists, who typically have no medical training but in many cases have a niece who once had something that sounds a bit like what you’re wailing on about and was fine, have long argued that they are uniquely capable of bringing spiralling NHS costs under control, and can achieve this while gossiping and eating biscuits.

If the proposals are agreed by the Prime Minister, patients will be forced to remove all of their clothes in GP waiting rooms and answer a battery of highly invasive questions in front of their fellow patients while squinting into a spotlight.

Theresa May is thought to be broadly in favour of this approach.