Wednesday 12 October 2016 by Fat Jim

Beanstalk Jack forced to pay with cow after trader laughs at devalued sterling


Pound coin Jack and beanstalk

The popular fairy tale Jack and the Beanstalk has been updated to reflect the modern realities facing British children post-Brexit.

Jack lived at home with his unemployed Mother. Jack couldn’t find a job and was desperate to help to make ends meet. Jack had saved all his life, but rising rent and an expensive vaping habit meant he only had £146. This money was in a long term savings account that was earning 0.02% interest with an account fee of £12 per month, other charges may apply.

Jack prayed the village idiots wouldn’t vote for Brexit, but they did. This made Jack cry. He decided to go to market but was cowless so he had to steal one. It was difficult to find a cow because of massive EU farming subsidy cuts. He pulled on his clown suit and scared the farmer who gave Jack a cow to go away.

On the way to market Jack met an old man. Jack explained his situation and the man tempted Jack with his magic beans and promised wealth, no more payments to the EU and more hospitals. Jack experienced déjà vu and was sure he’d seen these same messages painted on a bus somewhere.

“I’ll take them,” said Jack who was now desperate for the magic beans.

“I’ve got £100, that’s it, my life savings” The man burst into laughter. “Pounds Sterling you mean? You know we don’t take these at the market anymore, not one trader will entertain this, you might as well put this in your monopoly set, its worthless, what an insult!”

“How about your cow?” there was a glint in the old mans eye. Jack looked sad. He didn’t want to offer the cow and felt ashamed and embarrassed. But there was nothing Jack could do so he made the exchange.

He planted the beans and waited for the beans to grow, but they never grew. Jack felt totally done over and regretted buying in to the old man’s nonsense but felt some empathy with the original Brexit voters.

He tried taking the beans back to market. But the market had gone, the traders were gone, there was no European consumer protection law, and no-one ever did business with Jack, ever, ever again.

The End.

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