Sunday 9 October 2016 by Danny Soz

Sky TV to make one final attempt to kill Ross Kemp


Ross Kemp on Sky TV

It is understood that the Sky Television network have decided to make a final attempt to bring about the death of ex-TV soap star and their action documentary frontman, Ross Kemp.

Over the last two years, they have sent the ex-Eastenders hardman on any number of perilous quests. These include interviewing violent drug smugglers in Brazil and sitting down for discussions with crazed terrorists such as Taliban leaders and Al Quaeda fighters.

Kemp has also been sent to a South American jungle enclave to interview members of the murderous FARC group of Columbian revolutionaries, and to West Africa, where he was held and threatened at gunpoint by members of the notorious West Side Boys, narrowly escaping with his life.

He has also been pinned down by heavy gunfire after being sent to various trouble spots around the globe, and once famously had a knife held to his throat by a Brazilian gang leader in a Rio slum district.

A spokesman for Sky said last night: “For his next assignment, Ross is being sent to a Roman Catholic area of Glasgow where he will be interviewing Celtic supporters while wearing a Rangers shirt and whistling Protestant anthem, The Sash My Father Wore.

“If that doesn’t do the trick we’re going to cancel the life insurance we have taken out on him as the payments are going through the roof.”

Sky have firmly denied that the reason for exposing Kemp to constant peril is that he has earned the displeasure of their owner, media tycoon, Rupert Murdoch, for divorcing the billionaire’s good friend, and former editor of Murdoch’s Sun newspaper, Rebekah Brooks.

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