Wednesday 5 October 2016 by Neil Tollfree

UKIP leader quits after meeting UKIP supporters


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Diane James, the recently elected leader of UKIP, has dramatically quit in horror after spending time with the sort of people who support UKIP.

“Christ, they’re awful,” said a shell-shocked and reeling Ms James.

“The things they say about black people, about homosexuals, their attitude to women – one of them told me to put the kettle on and slapped my behind.”

“I always knew that the toughest part of this job would be dealing UKIP supporters, but I simply had no idea how bad it would be.”

“It was like living in a racist Carry On film.”

Ms James was elected leader of UKIP 18 days ago after previous leader Nigel Farage realised that he’d broken the country, stripped down to his pants and swam out into the English Channel, never to be seen again.

“Well, look, I’m a UKIP MEP, so naturally I’m only in this for the expense account and a nice flat in Brussels.”

“I just assumed that as leader I’d get a slightly nicer flat in London and a bigger expense account.”

“I simply had no idea that I’d have to spend so much time with people who think our foreign policy priorities should be war with France and sending various people back to various countries.”

Ms James would not be drawn on future plans.

“I’m sorry, but after spending 18 days with UKIP supporters the only plans I have are for a large drink and a long shower.”

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